


The Satirist's Love Song

by motelsixxx



Category: Half-Life, freeman's mind
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Crossdressing, Exhibitionism, M/M, No beta we die like mne, not a songfic I simply think the title fits, take these tags with a grain of salt. ok?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:27:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29460501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motelsixxx/pseuds/motelsixxx
Summary: Just three guys alone in their dorm on valentine’s day, there’s no way this can go wrong.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	The Satirist's Love Song

**Author's Note:**

> No minors, and please, do NOT think too hard about any of this.

With Eddie out for the night (he had said something about a date as he sprinted out the door about a half hour ago), there’s not a lot to do. Gordon had quickly gotten bored of kicking Barney’s ass at smash repeatedly, so now he’s laying on his bed across the room and watching disinterestedly as Barney somehow manages to lose to the CPU on normal. He keeps saying something about “getting warmed up” and how “that one didn’t count”.  
  
Just as Gordon’s starting to drift off, he’s snapped back to consciousness by banging on the door. Barney almost jumps out of his skin, but neither of them move to open it.  
  
After a few seconds of rustling, muffled cursing, and finally, keys jangling, Eddie pulls the door open.  
  
“Thanks for letting me in, guys”, Eddie grumbles, slamming the door behind him.  
  
“I’m comfy here, though! And besides, you don’t let me in when _I_ knock”, Barney whines.  
  
“Yeah, and after this, I’m gonna steal both of your keys so you have to sleep out in the hallway.”  
  
“What’s your fuckin problem tonight?” Gordon squints at Eddie. He usually doesn't talk about little things in that tone.  
  
“Don’t get me started.” Eddie tosses the crumpled-up plastic bag that he was holding into the corner of the room and sits down on his bed with a sigh.  
  
“Did you get dumped? Again?” Barney doesn’t bother looking away from the small tv at the end of his bed.  
  
“Yeah, what d’you think, smart guy.”  
  
Gordon gets up to investigate the plastic bag, and pulls out a shitty, walmart clearance aisle ass cupid outfit. Plenty of that low-quality costume fabric that might look good at first, but feels like hell on the skin. And it’s coupled with probably the shortest skirt imaginable. More of a frilly belt if we’re being honest. Tag still on, reading 11 dollars 99 cents.  
  
“HAHAHHH- HOLY FUCK, did you really try to get her to WEAR this shit?”  
  
“Leave me alone, man. I thought she’d like it…”  
  
“Damn. That takes balls! Not a lot of intelligence, but balls for sure! That thing’s u-u- _gly_!”, Barney singsongs.  
  
“On _Valentine’s day_ , too! You totally had this one coming.” Gordon tosses the outfit back into the corner with a laugh.  
  
Eddie groans and covers his face with his hands.  
  
“Shut up, you two. I’m processing. I can’t process with all this noise.”  
  
“I know something that’ll help you process.”  
  
Eddie perks up immediately.  
  
“Booze?”  
  
“Ding ding ding. You win nothing.” Gordon pulls out a bottle of vodka from underneath his bed.  
  
Not what Eddie or Barney would’ve chosen, (Eddie’s more of a cocktail man, and Barney like a good ol’ IPA) but beggars can’t be choosers. Only one of them had the foresight to buy _anything_. Foresight, in this case, is synonymous with “enough money”, and “willingness to actually go outside”. It’s just been blizzard after blizzard lately, really miserable stuff. The kind of weather that makes you want to stay inside all day. Even if it is boring as hell, at least it’s boring and warm.  
  
“Okay, you’re right, as usual. I guess I’m done processing. Hand it over.”  
  
After a few rounds of leaning across the gaps between their beds to pass the bottle around in uncomfortable silence, Barney breaks first.  
  
“…wanna play some smash?”  
  
“Fuck no. I could beat you in my sleep. We went over this, what, half an hour ago? Did you already forget?”  
  
“Wasn’t asking _you_ , stupid. Eddie?”  
  
“UGH.. can’t we ever do anything FUN? You guys are so BORING. This isn’t helping to get my mind off ANYTHING.” Eddie falls back onto his bed with a dramatic sigh.  
  
“Don’t group me in with _him_. I’m not boring, I’m saving my energy to use on more important people. Pass it.” Gordon makes a grabby motion at the bottle Barney’s got in his hands.  
  
“HEY! Rude! No more for you.”  
  
“It’s _mine_. Hand it over, dipshit.”  
  
Barney makes some incoherent grumbling noises but leans over and hands the bottle back anyway.  
  
“That’s what I thought.”  
  
Eddie lets out another long-suffering groan and sits up.  
  
“We’re alone on valentine’s day. Alone _and_ arguing with each other. In the prime of our lives. We should be drowning in hot girls right now.”  
  
“Just shut up and try to drink away that bitchy attitude. It’s a stupid holiday anyway.”  
  
“This is doing nothing to heal the wounds I have suffered today. But fine. I’ll let my woes dissolve at the bottom of a bottle…”  
  
“Putting on quite the show. No idea why you’re not a performing arts major.”  
  
“Just because I’m funnier and more interesting than you doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”  
  
“Rrright…”  
  
Gordon rolls his eyes and makes a very “get a load of this guy”-esque motion at Eddie.  
  
“…I’m not gonna sit here and have you two make fun of me all night. C’mon. We’re bonding. Growing closer as friends. Who wants to play odds are.”  
  
“I don’t see anything better to do, so fine.”  
  
“Ughhh, Gordon, you’re no fun to play with, you’re too lucky.”  
  
“There’s a strategy to everything, if you know how to find it.”  
  
“Blah, blah, blah, smart guy. Odds are… you go out and buy us some better drinks. Twenty.”  
  
“Fine. This is a win-win anyway.”  
  
“Three, two, one-”  
  
“Seven”  
  
“Fourteen- Ughhh… Damn it. I don’t know what I expected. Vodka it is. Your turn, Freeman.”  
  
“Okay. Barney? Odds are you gotta wear that-” Gordon tips his head to indicate the costume crumpled in the corner “for the rest of the night.”  
  
Barney almost chokes on his drink.  
  
“NO! I mean. No, that’s stupid, think of something better.” But he didn’t play it cool enough, and Gordon’s already zeroed in on his apprehension.  
  
“What, too pussy to take a chance? It’ll be funny either way.”  
  
“FINE, FINE.” Barney tries in vain to tamp down that nervous feeling in the back of his mind. His track record with this game isn’t great. Something about having a bad poker face.  
  
“That’s what I thought. Hey, y’know what, I’ll even be nice here. 200.”  
  
“Why didn’t you say that before? I’m in.”  
  
“Let’s go then. Three, two one-”  
  
“146”  
  
“146”  
  
Gordon looks pleased as punch, and all Barney wants to do is go outside with no coat and turn into a Barney-cicle.  
  
“GOD, you are SO easy. Saw it all over your fuckin face!”  
  
“Not like I cared in the first place, stupid game… guuuhhh… balls” Barney gets up and skulks over to the corner where the bag’s laying.  
  
This sucks. Looking down at all that pink and white; just a mass of cheap tulle and even cheaper lace, he starts to feel a bit of vertigo coming on.  
  
“What’s the holduppp? Scared? If a girl can wear it, you can too.”  
  
“Grr… Shut up. I’m working on it.”  
  
Tugging his t-shirt over his head and replacing it with the crop-top, Barney quickly realizes it’s… less than a crop top. Actually, it barely covers his chest.  
  
Shit, that’s right. Eddie’s girlfriend was like, a size two, wasn’t she? And he's definitely not, to put it lightly. Fine fuckin predicament he’s gotten himself into this time. At least it’s stretchy enough not to suffocate him completely.  
  
Okay. Time for the skirt.  
  
After trying and failing miserably to just tug it on over his sweats, Barney bites the bullet and takes his pants off, accompanied by mocking whistles and applause from Gordon and Eddie.  
  
It’s… Yeah. He’s not going to kid himself and say it’s flattering. Something about this feels distinctly Different than them seeing him in just his boxers or shorts or something. Different in some kind of way that makes him feel… some kind of… something.  
  
Oh, he’s been standing here adjusting his clothes in silence for a while, hasn’t he?  
  
He's gotta say something funny. NOW.  
  
“uhhh…”  
  
Balls. He’s got nothing.  
  
…Bring it back to Eddie’s ex-girlfriend. She’s the reason all this’s happening, after all.  
  
“Bet I pull it off better than she would have.” Barney strikes a little pose, hand on his hip and trying not to let on how incredibly and illogically nervous he feels.  
  
Gordon and Eddie just keep staring. They’ve got near identical expressions, and Barney can’t for the life of him place what emotion that is.  
  
He doesn’t think he wants to, either.  
  
“wha-? Do I have something on my face?”  
  
“…No. Just fuckin sit down. I’m about to throw up all this nasty ass vodka.” Eddie takes another sip and scrunches up his nose, turning to look at Gordon in disgust “Why _do_ you like this shit, man?”  
  
“It gets the job done.” Gordon shrugs non-committally  
  
\---  
  
Every time Barney reaches over for the bottle, or shifts around to try and get a little more comfortable, his shirt bunches weird, or his skirt rucks up uncomfortably around his thighs, and either Gordon or Eddie snort in amusement.  
  
Barney’s getting sick of it.  
  
“…c’mon guys, let’s just call it a night, okay?”  
  
“NOOOO fuckin WAY! This shit’s PRICELESS! I’m living in this moment for as long as possible.” Eddie takes another swig and passes the bottle back to Gordon.  
  
“Thought you were miserable ‘cause you got dumped.” Barney crosses his arms over his chest and hunches over awkwardly. This must be some kind of divine punishment. He’s never going to take cheerleaders for granted again, he promises.  
  
Eddie frowns a little bit, but he looks more confused than upset.  
  
“Yeah, well, I was gonna drop her soon anyway. And this-” Eddie gesticulates loosely at Barney’s whole Situation “is doing _wonders_ for my poor broken heart. Anyway, it’s your turn, I suppose. I’m kind of doing a shit job of keeping track of that, aren’t I?”  
  
“Yeah, but if it’s my turn, who cares. Uhh… Eddie? Odds are you… Piss on the RA’s door. Twenty!” Barney feels smug for thinking of that.  
  
“That’s just a normal Friday night, but if you say so.”  
  
“Bet you’ll change your tune soon enough. Three, two, one-”  
  
“Sixteen”  
  
“Five”  
  
“God DAMN it.”  
  
“ _Pfft-_ Why do you even keep trying? You suck at this”, Eddie snorts.  
  
“Sooner or later, I’ll win. I know statistics and my big payoff’s on the way”, Barney grumbles.  
  
“Don’t you want in on this again, Freeman?”  
  
“As if. I’m out.”  
  
“Gordooon c’mon, that’s no fair. I have to wear this shit all night, you should have to play again.”  
  
“Actually, it’s perfectly fair. You don’t _“have”_ to do anything. Anyone can drop out any time they want to. I’m just an impartial bystander now. Hope you two little freaks have fun, cause I’m not getting involved.”  
  
“Whatever, your loss. My turn again.” Eddie takes another swig of vodka and thinks for a second, before coming to some kind of conclusion.  
  
“Odds are you… ummm… blow me.” Eddie says this so casually, like it’s just another JOKE that he came up with off the top of his head.  
  
“Not funny.”  
  
Now, normally, in Barney’s opinion, jokes don’t have limits. Unless they involve him doing something that might be… misconstrued… as being gay.  
  
“No, actually, I think it’d be HILARIOUS. Back me up here, freeman, you know comedy.”  
  
Gordon nods slowly, clearly catching onto the bit, if it even _is_ a bit anymore.  
  
“Yyyeah… Real funny.”  
  
“Noooo… I don’t wanna, guys. I’m going to bed.” Barney flops down angrily and turns to face the wall.  
  
“Whatever, it’s not like you couldn’t just say no if you lost… But not even playing? Real asshole move, buddy. Weren’t you just the one getting on my dick about how it’s not “fair” to quit?”  
  
“And I decided that it _is_ fair, or I’d still be on your dick about it.” Barney’s getting jittery, and that sounded an awful lot like a Freudian slip.  
  
“Yeah, and you’ll get to play another round if you win. c’mon, no balls. Get up.”  
  
“Tell you what, I’ll do 500, too. Your odds are 499/1 here”, Eddie chimes in reassuringly.  
  
Barney… doesn’t know how to feel about this. All he knows is that he should probably be distressed at the possibility of sucking his friend’s dick, and he’s _not_. He’s not distressed in the slightest, and it’s freaking him out. This whole situation is freaking him out. This shirt isn’t very breathable, and he’s starting to get overheated.  
  
Barney sits up, and Eddie chokes back a snicker as he tugs at the crop-top awkwardly. Barney glares back with as much venom as he can muster, considering the circumstances.  
  
“Let’s get this over with.”  
  
Off to the side, positioned so Barney can't see, Gordon holds up three fingers on his right hand, makes a 0 with his left, and then turns it into a five. Eddie winks back at him.  
  
“Okay then… Three, two, one…”  
  
“305!”  
  
“305- oh for the love of - you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me- damn it… WHATEVER, let's just get this over with.”  
  
Barney stomps over to Eddies bed and sits down with a pouty little huff. Eddie's absolutely doubled over laughing.  
  
"HeHHheh- gimme a second, man-" Eddie takes a deep breath and "huuuu... Okay, I'm good."  
  
Barney's not laughing. After this, he's not sure he'll ever feel like laughing again. Thus endeth the comedy career of Barney Calhoun.  
  
Eddie digs in his back pocket for a second and produces a (slightly crumpled) package.  
  
“Strawberry!”, he announces with a grin, waving the condom around enthusiastically. “At least now somebody gets to enjoy it!”  
  
“Stop making this gay, man.” Every time Barney thinks about what's going on, his brain feels itchy, like some kind of allergic reaction is taking place. Eddie’s chipper demeanor is NOT helping.  
  
“What, safe sex is gay now? PERISH the thought of showing some common courtesy, right?”  
  
“It’s not SEX.”  
  
“Yeah, and you’re the expert on things that _aren’t_ sex, aren’t you?” Gordon chimes in from his bed. He’s propped up against the headboard and swirling the last few sips of vodka around intently like this pathetic showing is the latest blockbuster movie. Probably psychoanalyzing them or something, Barney thinks angrily. Well, he’s gonna be the bigger man and ignore that. He has sex. Has sex all the time. Awesome sex. For all Gordon knows, at least.  
  
… Actually, fuck being the bigger man.  
  
“Yeah? Hmm, let me think when the last time you had a girlfriend was… Oh, RIGHT! You HAVEN’T!”  
  
“Just because I’m not going steady doesn’t mean I don’t have sex, man. Have you really never had any one-night stands? Never hooked up with someone at a party? God, if that’s the case I’m _genuinely_ sorry I made fun of you.” Gordon doesn’t sound genuine _or_ sorry.  
  
Barney doesn’t have a rebuttal for that. To be honest, no. He hasn’t had any one-night stands. Or “hook-ups”. ...Or sex at all. But that’s definitely not a good comeback. So, he just opens his mouth and starts talking.  
  
“Everyone knows that having a girlfriend is worth more than that stuff, and as soon as I get a house, my girlfriend said tha-”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, your totally real _"long-distance girlfriend"_ , whatever. I really can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing that, y’know”, Gordon interjects with a smirk.  
  
“I find it hard to take you seriously _EVER_.” Barney’s starting to get heated, but can’t really place in what way. Could be due to several distinct factors. He’s got a lot of different and confusing irons in the fire at the moment.  
  
“Oh, you find it hard to take me seriously? Then tell me why I get bitches and you don’t”, Gordon shoots back.  
  
Barney doesn't have a response this time, so he just spins back around and drops to his knees again, staring at the floor with unnerving intensity.  
  
“Hey, you can just throw in the towel, man. I wasn’t really gonna hold you to your word. It’s fine, promise.” For once, Eddie sounds completely sincere.  
  
“No, Barney Calhoun’s a man of his word.” Barney tries to make a show of puffing out his chest, but the crop top makes it kind of hard. And look ridiculous.  
  
“Um. okay then. D'you wanna just... Close your eyes?”  
  
Something about the way Eddie said that, still talking down to him like usual, but wrapped up in a nice little suggestion, makes something low and heavy drop in Barney’s gut. Which, unfortunately for him, corresponds with his dick starting to get intrigued with this situation.  
  
So, Barney scrunches up his face and opens his mouth and wills that Eddie doesn't want to go too far.  
  
After a few seconds of nothing, Barney’s already getting nervous. It’d definitely be gay to open his eyes. And, he’s terrified that if he does, his whole boner situation’s going to worsen. But then again, his imagination isn’t doing him any favors in that department. The mental image of Eddie looking down at him with that _specific_ expression is going to be burned into his brain for a while, he can already tell.  
  
Then, Barney hears Eddie barely choke back a _laugh_ and the reality of this comes crashing down on him. This is all one big fucked up joke. Holy shit, he’s gotta get out of here, right now.  
  
“That’s it. I’m going to bed.”  
  
Ironically, the frills of that skirt do a decent job of covering his crotch, so Barney springs up and scampers back to his bed. As he tugs off the top and skirt as fast as humanly possible and lays down facing away from Gordon and Eddie, Barney’s suddenly extremely glad he didn’t get stuck with the middle bed.  
  
“Sorry, man, I couldn't resist fucking with you. Did you REALLY think I was going to let you anywhere near my dick?”  
  
“I’m going to sleep! I can’t hear you because I’m asleep! ‘NIGHT!” Barney tugs his blanket tighter around his shoulders.  
  
“Ugh, whatever. I guess I’m pretty tired, too.”  
  
“G’nite _Gordooon_.” Barney can practically HEAR that shit-eating grin in Eddie’s voice, but has no idea why it’s directed at Gordon instead of him.  
  
Gordon doesn’t respond... Weird.  
  
For about five minutes after Eddie clicks the light off, it’s way too quiet. Like each of them is holding their breath, waiting for one of the others to snap first and address what the fuck any of that was.  
  
Until Eddie starts snoring. _Extremely_ loudly.  
  
He doesn’t seem too hung up on it. So why should Barney be? He resolves to think of that as a lesson in expert pranking and nothing more.  
  
Absolutely nothing more.  


**Author's Note:**

> Well, I may or may not continue this… I’m sure I could dredge up some ideas from the ol brain swamp, so if y’all liked it or want to see more wildly ooc college shenanigans, let me know!
> 
> Happy (very belated) valentine’s day!


End file.
